FART BUBBLES

I never called him.

Just couldn't do it. Instead I buried myself in my work and went shopping. The recent increase in pay has only added more fuel to my shopping addiction. It helped me get over the hump...Well, lack there of, I should type.

Things are actually not bad at all right now. I was going to dedicate my future posts to the countdown of my 30th birthday, but that's really boring. My lack of humping has forced me to dig up past sexcapades-Most I'd like to forget. Not hide in a closet forget, but purge and release forget. So until I get some or until I'm thrown in some chubby adventure, I'm going to purge my most horrific sexcapades onto this blog...Just dump the shit out with the objective to never, ever revisit them in the future.

Let the verbal vomitting begin:

We'd finally reached his bed from a long night of clubbing and eating. It was almost 3am and we ate at a late night Chinese place. After the B-line to the bedroom, we were in the act. The usual routine of positions ensued and then it was time for the finale. Suddenly, it felt as if I was being stabbed in the abdomen. I cried out in pain.

Being the pompous prick he was, of course he figured he was doing some damage and I was enjoying it. With each thrust, my owwwwwws and shrieks got louder. I pushed him off and curled up in a ball, well half on account of my curves. I started crying. Is it my appendix? Did he rupture my spleen? What the hell is going on?

"I need to go the hospital NOW!" I cried. But I couldn't move. Every inhale only made it worse. He managed to get my clothes on and help me to his car. I'm cussing, crying and holding on to my stomach with each bump he hits. He's really in a panicked state because he actually believes his dick was the responsible culprit. He apologizes to me the whole route.

We reach the emergency room and he grabs a wheelchair. I sit in it and continue with the shrieks and tears. He registers me and we wait. During the one hour wait, I feel the pain shift from one side to the other, then the pain slowly lowers itself through my abdomen. He's sitting next to me snoring and I shift in the wheelchair, adjusting so to manage the pain. Then it happened.

PPPPPOOOOOOOOPPPPPP!!!
POP!!
POP!!!!

I farted so loud, he jumped from his sleep and looked at me in amazement. The pain went away. We looked at each other and I could see the realization seeping through his eyes. He motioned for me to get out of the wheelchair, knowing I could walk with ease. We walked out the ER, drove back to his place and I left. We saw each other for about three months after that and never spoke of that night.