MACABRE
My aunt died.
Whenever someone we know passes, it makes us think about the inevitable. We're all going to die: when, where and how is what fucks me up. You never know. I'm confident in knowing that it's not going to be the next second. Tomorrow is another story.
She died by simply choking on a piece of sandwich while eating lunch, alone in her own home. Dying wasn't on her mind when she woke up that morning, nor the second before she choked. What was she thinking during her wait for an ambulance to respond? What were her thoughts when she realized she wasn't going to make it? What did she think right before she passed out?
We know it but when it happens to someone we know, it rings more true: You never know when you're going to go. It could be something as simple as choking.
I got into a car accident last year. My initial thought: "Ok, so this is how I'm going to go." Then a slew of thoughts flooded my brain within seconds, but I was able to process them:
Guess I'm not going to make the meeting.
No more work
My parents are going to go crazy
My brother can't live without me
Maybe it won't hurt
If I survive will I be paralyzed?
I can't spend my life in a wheelchair
No grandkids for my parents
My parents know I love them
I can't believe this is the end
I hope it's not going to hurt
Is the car going to fall off the rail?
I hope it doesn't catch fire
Goodbye
Then my brain shut down. Like it realized my body needed to prepare itself for the impact, so it turned itself off. I took a deep breath, tensed up my body, closed my eyes and waited. I later woke up in an ambulance. I cheated death. I then decided that all the little things that I spent energy being bothered and stressed about was just a waste a time.
From here on out, I'm going to choose my battles wisely.
I wasn't very close to my aunt. She's distanced herself from everyone. But she's dead now and I already miss her rare, surprise appearances every other holiday.
My first inevitable milestone for 2006.
Live life like there's no tomorrow, y'all.
Whenever someone we know passes, it makes us think about the inevitable. We're all going to die: when, where and how is what fucks me up. You never know. I'm confident in knowing that it's not going to be the next second. Tomorrow is another story.
She died by simply choking on a piece of sandwich while eating lunch, alone in her own home. Dying wasn't on her mind when she woke up that morning, nor the second before she choked. What was she thinking during her wait for an ambulance to respond? What were her thoughts when she realized she wasn't going to make it? What did she think right before she passed out?
We know it but when it happens to someone we know, it rings more true: You never know when you're going to go. It could be something as simple as choking.
I got into a car accident last year. My initial thought: "Ok, so this is how I'm going to go." Then a slew of thoughts flooded my brain within seconds, but I was able to process them:
Guess I'm not going to make the meeting.
No more work
My parents are going to go crazy
My brother can't live without me
Maybe it won't hurt
If I survive will I be paralyzed?
I can't spend my life in a wheelchair
No grandkids for my parents
My parents know I love them
I can't believe this is the end
I hope it's not going to hurt
Is the car going to fall off the rail?
I hope it doesn't catch fire
Goodbye
Then my brain shut down. Like it realized my body needed to prepare itself for the impact, so it turned itself off. I took a deep breath, tensed up my body, closed my eyes and waited. I later woke up in an ambulance. I cheated death. I then decided that all the little things that I spent energy being bothered and stressed about was just a waste a time.
From here on out, I'm going to choose my battles wisely.
I wasn't very close to my aunt. She's distanced herself from everyone. But she's dead now and I already miss her rare, surprise appearances every other holiday.
My first inevitable milestone for 2006.
Live life like there's no tomorrow, y'all.
posted by Chubby Chocolate @ 8:58 PM
22 Comments:
At 10:40 PM,
Fresh said…
I'm sorry to hear of your loss but you are absolutely right...you don't think about death until it is upon you...then all kinds of weird thoughts go racing through your mind at the speed of light.
At 5:24 AM,
Knockout Zed said…
I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. When my cousin died last year, a real reclusive cat, I thought about things I hadn't thought about in a long time. We were probably more alike than any other relative I've got (aside from my pops). Shared sense of humor and everything. It's those little things that you've rarely thought about that you'll probably miss the most about her. My condolences.
KZ
At 9:30 AM,
PAINKEY said…
Sorry about your loss. I agree with you about living life like there is no tomorrow, say what you need to say to someone and have no regrets. I try hard to do just that....
At 10:52 AM,
Blah Blah Blah said…
MY first thought was "What the fuck is this shit about!!?!"...odd how even then I was irritated... hmmm, I suppose I shoulda been thinking of important shit...but all the while I was irritated that some foul shit was about to hit me!
Odd.
My granny died 4 and half years ago...and there is one thing to this day that makes me smile and feel sad at the same time...she use to say when SHE was irritated with someone..."Shut the hell up, 'cause your making my booty itch!"
Yea...granny was "odd" too.
*cyber hugs to you Chubs!!...and to tell you the truth...I hated your Inevitable Milestones post *smile*...made me sad to look forward to the future...and at the time, I knew where you "were"...you see I didn't comment on it
...but damn it's JUST February!!!
Again...cyber hugs mama. BTW~I linked you to my new blog...so I ain't gonna give it to you outright...your gonna have to go find it on your own...this shit ain't suppoe to be easy dammit!
At 1:12 PM,
SP said…
Sorry to hear about your aunt. Death always seems to make people appreciate life more...
At 1:58 PM,
Butterfly Jones said…
Reality check for real. Sorry to read about your Aunt's sudden death. That's really unfortunate. And thanks for the reminder about living life like there's no tomorrow, like I need a reason to spend my savings on hot shoes!
*big hugs*
At 2:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sorry for your loss. As you said, no one wakes uo and knows that they will die, therefore live as much as you can each day that you wake up.
The Mad Dater
At 3:16 PM,
nikki said…
so sorry for your loss, luv. this is one of the most moving entries i've read in a long time. i've had that same discussion with myself about what happens when people die. i had a friend of mine who was killed a car accident years ago and all i could think about was the fact that he woke up that morning and didn't know it was the last one he'd ever have in this world.
your advice is something to digest and utilize, not just read and nod in agreement and then forget.
At 3:59 PM,
Single Ma said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 4:03 PM,
Single Ma said…
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've had multiple near death experiences (major car accidents, chest pains, etc.) that have rushed me to the hospital in an ambulance. All I could think about each time was my BabyGirl. The feeling you get is unreal. Since the most recent experience (and I pray that it was my last), I've vowed to remove all negativity from my life, never settle, and say I Love You to my loved ones everyday.
Your closing statement should not be taken lightly because tomorrow (or even tonight) isn't promised.
My condolences to your family.
At 4:22 PM,
The_Practitioner said…
Shit. Life gets really real sometimes. I've never been one to dwell on my own mortality. Somehow I've never envisioned myself getting old. But I'm optimistic I guess. That's the reality of it all...sometimes we really don't know when times up. My condolences.
Love Hard.
At 8:40 PM,
The Brown Blogger said…
Condolences.
I'm with you. It's high time we live instead of passing time until we die.
At 10:28 PM,
ChezNiki said…
Sorry for your loss, the first anniversary of my Granma's death is fast approaching. The best way to celebrate her life is to enjoy mine. One day I hope to get it right.
God Bless You!
At 6:55 AM,
Ore said…
Sorry to hear about your aunt. Lots of hugs going your way.
At 7:35 AM,
Hasan Mubarak said…
May your aunt's soul rest in eternal peace.
Yes, we never know when the moment of death's going to catch us. So, it's the best that you enjoy what you have right now; If you have any confessions, make them right now; If you love someone, tell'm right now; If you want to live, live it right now...
Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts.
At 8:44 AM,
brooklyn babe said…
Sorry for you loss... and yes it weird how thoughts of death can overcome you. I do hope that your own did not suffer, and went in peace.
At 2:27 PM,
Abeni said…
Death forces us to look atour own mortality.Its very sobering and highlights how short this thing called life is.Hang in there girlfriend.
At 3:55 PM,
LadyLee said…
CC, I am so sorry for the lost of your aunt...
You said something that rang so true with me...
"I then decided that all the little things that I spent energy being bothered and stressed about was just a waste a time."
And when someone dies, that fact right there becomes all too important...
At 4:49 PM,
Brains Nbooty said…
i'm so sorry for your loss.
what an unfortunate incident, but things like that always make you reflect on your own life. as an insightful woman, you've already found something to take away from it.
sad but true, we should live our lives like tomorrow may never come.
my condolences.
At 7:55 AM,
The Sarccastik Variable Why said…
sorry to hear 'bout your loss....that's tough to go...but if it's your time, then it's your time....
At 6:23 PM,
Disco said…
i'm so sory to hear about your loas chubs! And you are right... rthere are times when I really just stop.
just. stop.
and breathe in the air and appreciate the sunset and appreciate the birds singing and appreciate my husband and my son and appreciate my mom (my dad is already deceased) and I just thank God, because it ain't promised. And all this sounds corball-ish as hell but it's true. Life is comprised of the seconds and moments that we live through. I just try to do a better job of appreciating them. Peace girl.
At 7:45 PM,
Supa said…
My condolences!
"i usta live life like
there was no manana
now I live everyday like
your honor"
Roots song just came up on my playlist. One.
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