I HAD A SIP OF HATER-AID

After months of recuperating from torn ligaments in my right ankle (due to a car accident), I'm back at the gym. I like to work out in the morning while people are on their way to work. The gym is quiet, empty and I don't have to hear men in the muscle section yelling as if their trying to drop a load. It gives me so much energy during the day and I don't feel guilty for sitting on my couch watching netflix movies all evening.

My usual routine is two days for cardio and two days for weight machines. If I'm up to it, I'll go on a Friday or during the weekend. I do it to relieve stress more than to lose weight. I spend 20 minutes on the bike, 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the elliptical machine...Just thought you'd be interested.

So this morning, I'm on the bike watching the muted news on the big screen and my peripheral view is invaded by this woman walking to the treadmill in front of me. I say THIS WOMAN instead of A WOMAN because she was different than other women working out. She had the smallest waist I've ever seen coupled with huge hips and an apple ass. To top that all off, she had a flat stomach. BITCH.

Yes, I'm jealous. I know I got it going on, but I've gained a gut and if left alone, it will turn into that hanging stomach thingy...But back to this bitch. I do the usual comparison scan to see what she's lacking. No tits. HA! Bet you'd pay to have what I was born with eh, bitch? She's wearing tight white sweat pants, a white tank top with a white visor. Her disgustingly thin permed hair is in a ponytail. My hair is longer than your's bitch and I didn't have to fry it. Jealous?

She steps onto the treadmill and her ass shakes like jelly...My ass can do that too, if I angle it right. She starts stretching and she puts her legs together and touches her toes. I can touch my toes too, but I have to be in the horizontal position with my legs mounted on a guy's shoulders.

Her ass is staring straight at me. She stands up and reaches for the sky. Her body is the prototypical cola bottle shape. I have that too, if I didn't have these love handles. But I can work off love handles. You can't work out to gain this cleavage line, mosquito bites. Her thighs are perfectly proportioned. She can wear a two-piece bathing suit with ease. I can too if it has a lot of ruffles.

I know there will always be someone "better" looking than me and I know I'm "better" looking than most (Aries, confidence. I couldn't bury it if I tried) but does THIS WOMAN have to go to my gym?!