BETTER LIES AHEAD, BETTER LIES AHEAD, BETTER LIES AHEAD

I live 1.3 miles away from my office and decided to work from home today...One of the advantages of being the boss. I read a couple of e-mails, check my office messages and make a few calls. I'm done for the day! It's a new month, a new day....I need to get out of the house.

Can you believe there's only three months left in this year...How scary is that?

KATRINA BIT: I head to the gas station. Premium gas is $3.29 PER GALLON!!!! I put in my normal $20 and only got about six gallons. That bitch Katrina. May the person who discovered that hurricane never be able to get it up again for the woman he named it after. I know it's not their fault, but who else can I be pissed at? I was in New Orleans (French Quarters) last October for a conference. There's a lot I'd like to say about the Big Easy, but I'd offend people during this emotional time, so I'll refrain- BUT! I will say this: "Aren't the news scenes reminiscent of the Titanic scences, when the Blacks were left stranded? Let that simmer for a minute or two.....OK, I'm off my soapbox. Now back to my adventure....

I head for the mall. I'm too early. They're not opened yet. I should go to the gym, but it's day three of my aunt flow, so that's out of the question. I walk to the coffee house and buy Decaf Earl Grey tea. I'm taking this cleaning out my stable thing literally. I'm done with the junk food binge. It's back to cooking, no take out, NO MORE (well, less) RICE KRISPIE TREATS and no more stupid aisss dicks.

I walk back to the mall and I buy a pair of jeans, shirt and a book and walk to Trader Joe's. I'm walking down the aisles, lost in my own world. I'm interrupted by a tap on my shoulder.

"Excuse me. You're name is *%#@^ right?" I look around and see a tall, dark man in a police officers uniform. He looks to be in his mid 30s, nice hair line and dimples. He has a thin mustache and a thin upper lip. He has a basket in his hand and he lowers it down. Before I could think, I spit out, "Yes and why? Do I need to be handcuffed?" Like the fucking whore I am. Why couldn't I just simpy replied, "Yes"?

He laughs. "You presented at a City Council meeting last month about your agency. I remember your beautiful smile." Mistah Pig trying to flirt? I show my teeth and look at his hands. I see a gold band. My face reveals the discovery. He clears his throat. "Yeah, so I just wanted to say you're doing good things and keep up the good work. I'd like to stop by your agency. Maybe you can give me a tour of the place." He pulls out a card and jots his cell phone number down. "Please give me a call. I'd like to talk more with you about what's going on in the community." That's what his mouth said. His eyes were saying, "Damn, you got some big ol' titties." He definitely looks like the type that would try to stick his dick in between them. Dirty Piggy.

R. Kelly's screaming in my brain. My miiiind is tellin' me nooooooooo. But ma booody, my boody's sayin' yeeeahh-heeess.....I take his card. "I'll give you a call soon." We go in opposite directions down the aisle. I lean into the shopping cart and walk slowly, like I'm looking for something, making sure each switch of the hips makes my ass jiggle. I quickly turn around, pretending like I forgot something and I catch Dirty Piggy still looking, not even trying to be sly about it. He waves.

When I leave the grocery store, I tear his card in half and throw it away. Better lies ahead. Better lies ahead. Better lies ahead.....

A frustrated and bloated Chubby Chocolate signing off.