HOLY ROLLER HEIFERS

I was in the city (San Francisco) for a meeting last week and decided to stop by my old office. Three members of the old crew were still there. We ordered Extreme Pizza and caught up. I've always enjoyed talking with them because we're all very passionate about our work and there's no competitiveness. Everything was going well until one of them popped the question:

"So, when are you going to go to church with us?" Shit.

I'm not much of a religious person. I've gone to church service twice in my life. Once with my grandmother while in Jr. High School and again with my "friend" in High School. During the latter visit, I remember feeling a warm, sensation from the gospel music. I wanted to jump from the bench and move. I buried the feeling though and had later been told, I was fighting the holy ghost. I don't know what it was, but I never went back. The church goers, I've crossed paths with are extremists. They find a way to incorporate God in EVERY conversation and hint to me that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. It's cult like and it's sickening. I believe that there's something bigger than the universe and all that, but I don't believe I have to convene with a group of people I could care less knowing, pay money and waste precious Sunday sleep-in time to prove it.

During my junior year in High School, I was going to a Sade concert with a group of classmates and we had to pick up the preachers daughter. We piled into the house and he drilled us with questions before he allowed her to leave the house with us.

"Do you live with both parents?"
"Yes."
"Do you go to church?"
"No."
"It's a shame we all can't go to heaven."
"Thank you."

I've always been the victim of Holy Roller Heifers. They're the ones who believe if you don't go to church every Sunday or have a religious bumper sticker on your car, then you're going to hell. It's either you go to church or you're the devil's playground. I've had people cut me off completely because I refused their invites to church. You can't make me go by trying to pressure me. That's the one sure thing that will make me take off my public mask and read yo aisss.

So it wasn't a surprise when my visit with my old co-workers took a sour turn after I told them I wouldn't be going to church with them. They ignored my response and asked me again.

"So when are you going to go? Next Sunday? Just let us know. We can pick you up if you want..."

The courtesy smile disappeared from my face and I rolled my eyes. "It was nice seeing you guys. I think I've worn out my welcome. Take care." I grabbed two more slices of pizza wrapped them in paper towel and headed for the front door.

While in my car, I got a call from one of them.
"I hope you didn't feel pressured. It's cool if you don't want to go this week. How about next Sunday?"

WHAT THE FUCK?