CHUBBY CHOCOLATE W/ FISH?

This turning 30 thing has placed me in the most annoying situations these days. I haven't been 30 for a month yet and I'm being treated like some old spinster. It truly disgusts me, but Monday took the cake.

On May Day, my mother and I paid a visit to one of her old friends who's recovering from open heart surgery. The last time I saw Carol, I was in middle school. I didn't want to go, but I promised my mother I'd spend more time with her. We get there and she opens the door. We're greeted by her three barking, salt and pepper poodles an oxygen tank and walker. She's only 58 years old (cigarette smoke kills, people!).

"Look at Chubby!" She manages to give me a kiss through her oxygen mask. My jaw dropped when the smell of cigarette smoke invaded my nose. This wench STILL SMOKES!!!! "Just look at you! I didn't think you'd turn out to be so pretty!" Was that a compliment? "You've got to meet my daughter. You two would get along really well."

I give her a courtesy smile and laugh and I plop myself on her couch. I felt like a 10 year old, waiting for my mother to get the visit over with. They gossip about who retired, who moved back to Jamaica, who died before they could enjoy their time back home......I play with the dogs to kill time. Then her front door opens.

She's looks to be in her mid 30s, dark skin with a short fro. Her thick,black glasses are too small for her face. She's wearing the quintessential Oakland Butch uniform: Tattered baggy jeans, loose t-shirt sloppy-tucked with saggy boobs and a large opened button down shirt with open-toe sandals.

"Hey, Chubby this is my daughter I was talking about earlier. The one I want to hook you up with. You two have ahhhhhh lot in common."
She dragged the "a lot" which translated into, " You two are both lesbians."

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Hook up how?" I ask with a confused, irritated tone.

"Oh, you know you two can talk and maybe spend some time together. Nobody wants to be alone ...." I zoned out after that. I couldn't believe it! Then my mother cuts her off.

"Chubby likes men, Carol. But her career is dedicated to helping people who have same sex partners." My mother's way of trying to clear things up without being a bitch about it.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Chubby! When your mother told me you weren't married yet, I just assumed you were like my daughter. I'm so sorry." We all nervously laughed it off and her daughter and I made small talk. She apologized about her mothers assumption and told me it was the third time this year she's been playing match maker. We then swapped match-making horror stories and joked it off.

This annoying societal, expectation of a single 30 year old female knows no sexual preference.