TOO MUCH ON MY MIND

Ever feel like you're on automatic? Like everything around you is moving, progressing except you? You're breathing, talking and moving, but you feel like you're just taking up space?

That's what the 14 year old told me yesterday. Even though it's way out of my league, I'm helping her out by talking to her. Some days it helps, some days, I can tell she just wants to get out of my office. Last week she disclosed that she had sex for the first time...With a 23 year old....Without a condom.

My first impulse was to slap the shit out of her, but she's not my kid to be slapping. I was on the verge of tears, but then I had to remember that she did come to me, which means that she can trust me. I had to keep my cool and respond.

I was proud of myself. I actually sounded like I had sense when I gave her the sex & men talk. She was very appreciative and thankful. I gave her an HIV test (knowing it would show up negative because her window period just started), just to spook her and scheduled an appointment at Planned Parenthood for a pap smear and birth control pills.

"So did he pull out or cum inside you?"
She looks down at the ground and shrugs her shoulders
"If you're too embarassed to talk about it then you're not mature enough to have sex."
She nodded and started crying and then she finally told me the whole story.

I had to call her mother and tell her what happened, in her own apartment while she was out zooted on crack. Even though the girl claims it was consentual, I know she was forced. Her crack head mother claims she'll follow through and press charges against him, but I'm sure nothing will come about it.

She says she doesn't want to do it again for a long time, but that's what we all said.

When I got home, I was so mentally exhausted. I can't imagine what it's like for her, living in a crack house, no supervision... I do feel that I'm doing what I can, but damn.

I'm debtaing on whether or not I should make an anonymous call to CPS, but if I do that, it will just create a whole new set of problems for her and then she'll get thrown in the system....I really don't know what to do.