WHO FEELS IT KNOWS IT...
MY BLOG IS ON THE BLITZ: I WROTE THIS MONDAY NIGHT- Well early Tueday morning...
My brain won't shut off. It's trying to make me face the fact that I'm lonely and it won't let me sleep until I acknowledge it. I'm not alone anymore. I'm lonely.
I could take a swig of Nyquil to knock me out, but then I won't wake up until 12noon tomorrow...Maybe that's not a bad idea-If I sleep late, it will cut down the available hours I'll have to spend money on frivilous online shit, when I should be working...
I just returned from a friends house for dinner and I was having a good time until I realized-I'm the only person there without a mate. Then I started acting weird. I started laughing a little bit harder at the lame jokes. I became more animated. I wanted to show them I was content and wasn't bothered by the fact that I was the only fucking person there without someone. There was my Korean friend with her Black boyfriend. The Tawainese woman with her French-Dutch husband. The Sierra Leone guy with his white chick. The chubby Black, jovial girl with null.
True Rainbow Coalition.
"Hey, Chubby, would you like to take the rest of the pecan pie home?" Why Bitch? Because I had two pieces? Because I'm the fattest one in the room? Fuck you.
"Sure, I'll take it. Thanks!"
I'm in a funk.
Everytime I close my eyes, I'm imagining myself spooning with this man without a face. For the first time, I have absolutely no desire for a man. Is this a dick slump? I have no one to think about, no one to fantasize about. Dr. J.'s not doing it for me since the puddle incident and he's the only one left in my stable. Why do I have to be alone? What's wrong with me? Shouldn't I at least be in a relationship by now? What is it about winter weather that makes me feel more lonely? I have central heating, so I'm not cold.
There's nothing wrong with me...No. Really. There's nothing wrong with me. Maybe it's time for me to start thinking about something monogamous? Oh, fuck it. I can't think about this shit right now...You're not going win this one, brain (as I reach for the Nyquil).
...I'm not looking for you to understand. It's just something I needed to get out of my system.
posted by Chubby Chocolate @ 1:52 AM
24 Comments:
At 1:15 AM,
proacTiff said…
We may not understand, but reading anothers catharsis will help the next person cope (or step away from the Nyquil:). This song is being sung so much with the women in my age cohort. I don't know whether to laugh or cry with 'em. I do both. As always you enlighten me on what it truly means to be transparent in writing. That I need.
Atleast you know your mate is somewhere over the "rainbow." *Laughs*
At 3:47 AM,
The Brown Blogger said…
It's affecting the brothers as well. I think we want to blame the holiday season for this, but I'm coming to realize that I get the same depressing urges July as well. I'm just distracted by the flesh and thangs. But at the end of the day at the crib alone, it's the same shit. I think it has something to do with wanting that one person that'll put up with our shit on a monogamous level. Fufillment. Funny thing is, I have that staring me right in the face. You might have it too. (And I ain't talking bout' the leak/drip doctor either)
At 5:28 AM,
Pamalicious said…
What I find interesting is the duality - I ain't been no where's near no part of a man in a minute (social or otherwise), therefore selfishly I find my sometimes 'lonliness' justified - however, how is a person 'lonely' when they actually are interacting and engaging in relations with other people. Dating, hanging out, sexing etc.
Is there something to be said about filling a void that ultimately only gets bigger?
Who's right in this situation? The person who just decides to struggle and wait until a person truly interests or the person who continues on 'acting' as if they are living?
This is quite intriguing.
At 7:36 AM,
Blah Blah Blah said…
Just when I think I have this shit figured out...it all caves in and makes me realize we are ALL searching for something more...meaningful.
I have a man...ok ok ok, some men...been on a 4 and a half month sabatical from the dick...yes! a dick fast! and I am horny as hell...yet these 3 men that I surround myself with...well, I'd rather do with out...as Pammie said...the duality.
I feel you though Chubs..."it's hard out here for a pimp"...YOU ONLY GOT ONE IN YOUR STABLE...hilarious.
Wrote a blog about this, but it's in draft mode...never to be finished or posted...damn this need for complete-ness sucks!
At 8:27 AM,
LadyLee said…
Yo CC, I get to feeling this way sometimes when I'm alone at night and it's nobody but me, the darkness and pure quiet. It's very rare though. I also get a little self-conscious about being the only one in the room without a spouse. I've gotten a little better as I've gotten older...
These feelings happen Chubbs. Just make sure you DON'T settle for the one who you don't feel is for you (i.e., Munchkin, Dr. J., etc.) If you do, THAT's when you'll really start having some F***ed up feelings. Desperation is NOT an option.
I was married once, and I remember waking up at night, looking over and wishing that bastard was not there beside me. He's not there anymore, and now I have peace...
You're probably ready for something monogamous... If so, hope you find "The One" :)
Keep your head up, girl...
At 8:36 AM,
brooklyn babe said…
Don't this "meantime" shit suck?
I don't know what the heck Iyanla was talking about....
Hallmark just don't make cards for these moments.... put trust it is just a moment... and this too shall pass.
You got keep that head up babes, that's only way you going see that king (one day soon) looking back in your eyes.
And you know what, if he's Asian, the next time you go to that lil shing ding, ya'll would have truly completed the whole rainbow coalition! Lol
I'm just trying to cheer U up ma. I'm right there with cha!
In a funk funk... thank God for wine!
At 8:54 AM,
The_Practitioner said…
Sounds like you attended a Beneton Advertisement.
On that being alone issue -it is what it is. I'm sure you can get a man if you wanted one. But you're holding out. As long as it's by design, it's okay.
Step away from the pie. ;o)
At 9:47 AM,
PAINKEY said…
Ah, gurl, get it all off your chest. Dont have to keep it in when you got a Blog and Blog buddies who gotcha back ;) We all understand, bc believe it or not, we have all been there at some point or another. Who dont go thru that crap. It sucks, I aint gonna shuga coat it. Someone will come your way, everyone has that one for them. It takes longer for some than others.
But, that dont mean you cant have fun inbetween. Ya know, you cant help but envy a tiny bit the couples who are out there, but I bet at the same time, they envy you right back bc you are who you are and got what you got. Your single, successful, beautiful, you have sexcapades. They have to know this, and in return wish they could be living the same way.
Your fine, if you want a relationship, go for it, but be sure thats what you really want.
At 9:58 AM,
Mr.Slish said…
Aww Hell!! I aint got nuffin profound to say. just didn't want to be left out..lol.
At 11:44 AM,
ChezNiki said…
I feel you, Chocolate. The holidays are very hard for single people. I have the most busy fantastic life, until I get home at night and there is that gaping void on the other side of my bed, or look out in the church pews when I sing and noone is there clapping for me, or when I go shopping and there's no one there...to hold my bags. LOL. My coupled-up friends try to convince me that they are envious of my free (available) bathroom, my free time, spontaneous clubbing and space to roll over in bed. I guess the only answer is to enjoy where you are now and stay positive. Easier said than done.
At 12:36 PM,
Ore said…
I know exactly what you are talking about. Like serial_dater said it's easy to get a partner. Finding a good one or the one for you is another matter entirely. I'm sort of going through the same thing and just trying to have fun as much as possible.
It could be worse though! You could be living in Nigeria, where coupledom is a contagious disease that everyone wants to catch.
At 1:24 PM,
Ming Houser, Realtor said…
Stop looking...he'll find you...
At 1:59 PM,
twin said…
I'm here for you
At 2:37 PM,
Knockout Zed said…
This looks like a job for...
aw, fuck it. The holidays are dick kryptonite.
KZ
At 2:46 PM,
Butterfly Jones said…
Always in admiration of your honest writing CC. Girl, it could be worse. You could be single and flatchested like me!
At 3:11 PM,
Superstar Nic said…
I agree that finding a partner is the easy part. Finding a good one is a whole other story! Hell, I have one and sometimes with the way that he acts, I almost wish I didn't.....When you do find one, make sure its a good one honey!!
I'm gonna add you to my links. I really like ya style!
At 4:17 PM,
Chubby Chocolate said…
THANK YOU ALL!!!!
You have no idea how much I appreciate your feedback/encouragement.
It has truly gotten me through the day.
THANK YOU AGAIN
At 6:44 PM,
MsPerdie said…
I understand COMPLETELY!!!!! It is something about the cold weather.. I'm going through the same thing....
At 9:04 PM,
Brains Nbooty said…
me and my friend are always referring to the people we're seeing as in the meantime women-people we're with to get us through until we find our soulmates. it cures the loneliness, but honestly, it only makes you realize what you're missing.
but you'll find the one. i truly believe that. you're smart, honest, and definitely funny. some man would be lucky to snare you.
At 9:10 PM,
Laylah Queen of the Night said…
Hey! I'm late! But, ditto with most of the other commentators, man. I'm totally feeling that lonely thing, but it's even worse when you are in a relationship and you feel lonely. I'm here with cha on the finding that one.
At 8:44 AM,
SP said…
I know exactly how you feel. It seems like every time I see my friends, I am the only single one (and the chubbiest too.) Why is it they always try to give you stuff to take home??
Hang in there. Maybe you are ready for monogamy, that or you are just hitting the holiday slump. You’ll make it through…
At 4:55 PM,
nikki said…
i feel you on all of this. on the bright side, just because folk "have someone" don't mean they're actually happy. being alone ain't bad cuz you can do miserable all by your damn self.
you know all of this will figure itself out eventually. hang in there until it does.
At 7:00 PM,
toneec42 said…
I'm gonna repeat what a lot of people said but I think the holidays magnify what we feel throughout the year. Sometimes we're able to push to the back of our conscious because we really do like our life. But we also know we are looking for that special connection with one someone that will just be the icing on the cake.
Keeping it in, not talking about it, doesn't help. But speaking on it allows the rest of us to realize we are not alone in our feeling lonely. And therefore, we (all) just might be alright.
At 10:07 PM,
TRUTHZ said…
gurl i know i am late but better late than never. i know exactly what you are talking about. me and my girl was talking abt this just the other day. how we want someone and how it's like we NEED someone. since you read my blog you know i have no advice besides don't fall in love with a married man
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