RANDOM ACTS OF CHUBBY

There's so much I want to share that occurred while I was away from the blogsphere, but I don't know where to begin. I'll start by what comes to mind and give them in snippets. They're not anything spectacular, but just small happenings, that I know only my blog family will appreciate.

I was on the elliptical at the gym minding my own business and this woman gets on the machine next to me and starts staring at me. She's slender, wearing make-up, matching workout fit and her hair looks like she hot curled it in the gym bathroom. I try to ignore her. I pumped up Gus, listening to Vybz Kartel's version of Hot Fuk. I had on black sweatpants, a beat up Stonybrook college t-shirt with a scarf and huge sweat rings on my back, neck, and ass crack.
I was well into 40 minutes on the machine and shooting for an hour. I could see her from my peripheral view looking at my time, then giving me the once over, then looking at her machine. She got off about five minutes later and I continued. I go to the sauna and she's there. I stay in for my usual 10 minutes and she follows me out. I get the feeling she wants to say something to me so I turn around and look her in the eye. This is what the bitch tells me:

"I couldn't believe you stayed on the elliptical for so long. I tried to hang in there with you. I told myself, if SHE could do it, I sure can, but you kept going and I was getting tired. Good for you. You should be very proud of yourself." I cracked a fake smile and walked away. I saw her yesterday and she got on the elliptical next to me, waving and smiling. I smiled back. I then released a potent, broccoli and brown chicken with garlic, silent but deadly and waited for her smile to turn upside down.

For a brief moment, I was really getting hooked on gutter dicks. Envision An Interview with a Vampire-When they thought Lestat was dead, but he survived on the swamp rats to maintain...that was me during my depressive rut-Minus the sucking though. On one rendezvous, we finally ended up in my bedroom, after his boring conversation about how busy it gets working at a certain local fastfood joint (Blah, I know you know which one I'm talking about!) and how he was happy to get his promotion as Shift Manager. I made the mistake of drowning out his voice with half a bottle of ginger wine, so I was feeling exceptionally tipsy.

So we're on the bed, doing the warm up stuff and I realize I've left Oscar underneath my pillow-The pillow his head was lying on. Usually, I wouldn't mind, but he's a gutter dick. These specific species aren't very sexually evolved. He would see Oscar as an opportunity to finally be in the presence of a woman having an orgasm, instead of using it for foreplay. I switched foreplay positions and made what I thought was a quick move. My drunk ass grabbed Oscar and threw him on the other end of the bed...I thought I threw it on my nightstand. It switched on and started buzzing. I thought the vibration was my cat jumping on the bed.

"I have to get my cat out of the room."
He ignored me and continued slobbering my nipples.
"You want her to skin your ass while we're humping?"
Gutter dick: I saw this porno where this lady got a cat to lick her by putting milk on it (the clit, I'm assuming. You know they possess a limited vocab) and the guy was giving it to her in the ass. I mean, the cat's here..."

I undimmed the lights and saw it was Oscar. Gutter dick got excited and begged me to use it. Something clicked in my brain and I realized, I could get more satisfaction from a battery operated device than a warm blooded body with an attached hard penis. I got him out of my house and into to my car so fast (to drop his no car ass off at the bart station) that I wore one tennis shoe and one sandal.

After I dropped him off, I went to a 24 hour Walgreens to get chocolate & batteries. While standing in line, the security guard was gawking at me. My conceited ass thought he was enjoying the view. When I was digging in my purse to pay, I caught a glimpse of my tennis shoe and sandal. The dots connected and I looked at the Security Guard. He was laughing so hard from the look I had on my face that he had to lean against stack of baskets. I stuck my nose in the air and walked out as if I'd meant to do it.

That was night I cut off my supply of all gutter dicks.