The Adventures of Chubby Chocolate


Sunday, August 12, 2007


Do you have this one person in your circle of friends who you met through a friend of a friend and you can't get rid of them?!

The only reason why she's a part of your crew is because you feel sorry for her and hope that she'll change with each interaction and learn something new. It doesn't matter that she gradauted from an ivy league school and she has a successful career.

She's unrefined. She has no manners. She wears a long blonde ponytail down her back and she twitches her head when she talks to make it fly. She greets you by saying, "What up trick." in this low, breathy, slow growling voice. She even greets her mother like this. Every man is a, "Niggah". She hates them because they don't want to talk to her. She resembles a female version of Ron Isley, only shorter, wider with a Joker like smile spread across her face.

When she laughs, she throws her body back, looks up at the sky, opens her mouth as wide as it will stretch and lets out a loud, thunderous, AHH, HAAAAA, HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Letting the last HAAA trail well over five seconds. No matter what type of venue we're in this is her normal laugh.

When she eats, she sucks in the food. She doesn't take time to breath. Her short, fat stubs for fingers are on a failing mission to get the food to her mouth as quickly as possible. She's in a trance. She loudly moans about how "fucking good this food is" for the people at other tables to hear and they watch her in disgust and make her the center of dinner discussion. She'll order appetizers and tell the rest of us to order our own. Then when the food arrives she targets our food after she sucked up hers. When the bill comes she only puts in a $5 bill.

She once called me up telling me how horny she is and how she'll do me if I were at her house. She pinches my ass when I forget to walk beyond her short arms can reach. She gives me too many compliments about how cute I am and if she were drunk she'd rape me. She constantly asks to borrow my clothes and shoes.

I don't mention any clubs in front her for fear that she'll show up there. I would only see her when we all meet for our monthly dinner, bar & movie.

She has three therapists and is on Zoloft. One time we got into a big arguement because she told me African men resemble monkeys. She later apologized and gave the excuse that she was off her meds.

One Sunday, we all met for brunch and she showed up wearing a "Brunettes are better" shirt with cut off sweat pants and pink flip-flops. She's black with blonde hair. She ends every meal by belching too loud and saying, "Oohhhh, that felt so good. Now I have room for dessert."

She sits with her legs wide open.

She doesn't make an effort to hide the jealousy spewing from her eyes when she stares at you while you're sharing your latest sexcapade.

She sends chain e-mails to my work account that promises to give me 100 years of bad luck if I don't send it back to her.

She tried to get me to hook her up with my brother. When I refused she started showing up at my house....unannounced. She repeated this crass ass move earlier today.

That was my free pass to tell her about herself and get her out of my life.

I could go on and on about her many oddities, but this post is releasing some serious toxic energy.


  • At 5:38 PM, Blogger sunshyne said…

    Relax... Relate... Release!

    I hope that chick is gone. That combination of that many toxic things in one person had to be a lot to handle. You're better than a lot of people for handling it for so long.

  • At 1:36 PM, Blogger So...Wise...Sista said…


    Had you only wrote HALF of this nonsense it woulda been much too much. Ewww. :(

  • At 11:24 PM, Blogger STEPHANIE said…

    Daaaang... I was dying laughing.
    Glad you got rid of her, though. She does sound toxic. You know, having negative people around you zaps your energy. It automatically changes your mood, your chemical make-up.

    Do you, girl! Glad you got that out. It was least.

  • At 4:41 PM, Blogger Pro said…

    Somebody can pull the men and the -women, which doesn't surprise me. You're successful, single and sassy-fied to boot! Maybe she didn't have a female role model in her life. Which would explain all of her crass "male" tendencies. Hello ... somehow ivy league rings reject!

  • At 6:54 AM, Blogger Tee said…

    I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog today. This is hilarious. Your description is fantastic. I can really imagine this person and I'm annoyed just reading it. I can't imagine actually knowing her!

    By the way, I can really relate to the 30 year mid-life crisis thing you mention in your "about me". I'm only 2 years away and I worry about it.

    Also, your self esteem and body image are inspiring. It's something I struggle with.

    Best wishes and nice to "meet" you.

  • At 8:08 AM, Blogger The-Last-Word said…

    [woo sahh] hilarious!!

  • At 10:16 PM, Blogger souffle said…

    damn! is this a real person!?

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Blah Blah Blah said… that first day you met her...that wasn't the last day you met her?

    Be who you gotta be....or channel Bloopty in and tell her to kick a nice way...sorta.

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger 1969 said…

    Kick her to the curb immediately.
    That wasn't worth the nergy it took to type out. Old crass heffa.

  • At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Newy said…

    o wow...she is off the chain..kick her to the curb....

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger Sha Boogie said…

    Jesus, take the wheel immediately!! I concur with 1969, get outta here! She working my nerve and I don't even know

  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger Ms. Behaving said…

    Sadly I can relate. Sounds a lot like it might do you some good to cut her @ss off!!!

    This was funny as hale tho'

    [First time visitor who didn't wanna come up in here without at least sayin' hello so....((((HELLO))))!!!!]

  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger Cheetarah said…

    This is soo refreshing,u just killed it with no pretense.I like that

  • At 2:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just came across your blog and am very sad to see that you have stopped posting... Do come back soon. I enjoy your blog!!!

  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger Blu Jewel said…

    1st visit...came by way of Terry at the Cheap Seats.

    OMG! I'm so glad I don't have anyone like that in my circle. I'm sure I'd have been indicted by now. *lol*


  • At 1:39 AM, Anonymous Gervase said…

    I fully match with whatever thing you have presented us.
    Chinese restaurant menu | letter writing template | California contractors license


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape I'LL SUE YO AISSS!