DEPRESSED, RANDOM, UNPRODUCTIVE THOUGHTS

It's Monday, almost midnight and I'm wide awake. I drank Chammomile tea hoping it would make me sleepy, but it didn't work....Maybe I shouldn't have had a rice crispy treat with it. My mind is racing with unproductive thoughts again. I want an Ipod. I need to send off the package I promised my cousin in Jamaica three months ago. I need to change the cat's litter box. I need new work clothes. I need a new cell phone. I need. I want. I want a companion. I want to know what it feels like to be loved. I want to make love, not fuck. I forgot how to make love. I want to have kids before my parents get too old. I want to have kids before my grandmother dies. I want to live with someone else besides my brother. I'm tired of living with my brother. He needs to pay some of the bills. He's such a fucking leech. I hate Black men, but I can't see myself with any other type. White men have pink dicks and they are serial killers.

There was an article in the Jamaica Gleaner today about women having difficulty finding men in the US. It's true. I'm having the same fucking problem. This Guy from Cameroon who likes me called today and my cell phone died while he was talking. I didn't even bother to call him back. We scheduled a date for this weekend, but I don't even like him. He' s nowhere near my type and his thick French-African accent is so hard to understand. He's annoying too. But I'll go out with him because I don't have anything else to do.

When I got off work today I told myself I was going to go the dance center to take a dance class. It would relieve stress and make me sweat. I came home put on my sweats, sat down on the couch and never got up....Well I got up to pick up my chicken hoagie sandwich that I ordered. Then I thought about it. I did make some progress-I put my sweats on. Tomorrow, I'll put my sweats on AND leave the house. Maybe I'll go walking. I need to do something. I don't have a TV and this is by choice, but it's left me with so much fucking time on my hands. If I'm not reading a book or watching a Netflix movie, I'm thinking about the fact that I'm almost 30 and I have no prospect of companionship. I'm not even talking marriage. I mean a man worthy enough to have a relationship with.

This is so depressing. I mean I know there are several other women out there in the exact same boat as me, but that doesn't make it any better. I'm getting a zit in the middle of my forehead. I hope that means my aunt flow is coming. I don't want to be around people. I want to hibernate. I wish it was winter. That gives me an excuse to stay in the house all day.

I can't stand another winter without being with someone. That's the worse time to be alone. Not having anyone to keep warm with. The fucking commercialized holiday season. I don't know what I'll do if I don't have anyone this winter. I can already see myself getting depressed about it. The only positive thing about being alone during the holiday season is that I have more money to spend on myself. Maybe I should go to London this Christmas. I might find someone there. It's cold. The computer screen is burning my eyes. I hate my so-called friends. I need a life. I have too much time on my hands. Maybe I should go back to school. Maybe I'll meet someone at school? I just had a light bulb moment. I'm going to take some classes...Who am I kidding.

I want to take the week off from work. What excuse could I come up with? But I only have $31 in my bank account until next Wednesday, so I'll be stuck in the house. They need me at work this week. I can't take off. I could take off and just go window shopping, try on clothes and catch a $5 movie at the Parkway. I'll go to work tomorrow and take the rest of the week off. I'll say something happened to my mother. I'm going to hell. This will be cool! My netflix movies will come by then, so I'll have something to watch. I can go to the gym in the middle of the day, take a walk around lake...Ok this is what I'm going to do.

My face is oily. I'm eating too much junk food again. You are what you eat. My stomach is hanging over. But I still look good. I'm pretty. I have beautiful eyes, teeth, smile, cheeks, hands, personality. Why can't I find someone for me? I like no dick Jamaican, but he's married. He's a dear friend, but I can't fuck him. He has a tiny dick. I mean so tiny that when he's hard, it's smaller than the average size dick. We fucked two years ago when we first met. I told him we could only be friends because he wasn't good in bed. We've been the best of friends ever since. He occassionaly tries to get me to sleep with him, but that's such a turn off. My rabbit is larger than him, so there's no temptation what so ever. But we have a good relationship. I can talk to him about anything. He's seen me when I haven't shaved in two days. I fart in front of him with ease.

My cat is lonely. Maybe I should get another one. Then I'll be the lonely lady with two cats. My house will smell like cat urine and my clothes will have cat fur all over them. I'm already walking out of the house with birkenstocks, flooded tight black stretch pants and a sweatshirt. That's my uniform on the weekends and non-meeting work days. This is how the lonely old woman develops. I'll be fucking 40 years old, still living with my brother, with three cats, paying all the bills and crying myself to sleep at night wondering why I don't have anyone to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not a romantic. I hate that crappy, sappy shit. But I'm lonely. I'm not alone anymore I've graduated to lonliness. This is some depressing shit. I can't see a shrink. What am I going to tell her? "Can you fix me please? I can't seem to find a man that's worthy of being with. I know it's not me, but can you give me some suggestions on how, where and when will I stop being so lonely?"

I need to take shower. I'll take one in the morning. No I'll take it tonight. It feels so good to wake up in the morning, knowing that you already took a shower, so you can stay in the bed a little longer. I sleep for 8.5 hours every night, yet I'm still tired. My cat just threw up on the carpet. I need to clean it before the ants get to it. Summer is almost over. I can't wait until it cools down. I won't sweat so much. My brain won't shut off. Maybe I should take a sleeping aid. Then I'll wake up grouchy, but I'll be able to fall fast asleep. I'll turn into a pill popper. That's not cool. Say no to drugs. Nancy Reagan taught me that. It worked. I need some weed. Not that crack-like purple shit, real green bud. I think that would make me calm down. Then I'll turn into my weed head brother.

I'm crying now. I'm lonely. I'm really lonely. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not perfect, but I'm a damn good person. Inside and out. What's the problem? I'm lonely? How much longer will this feeling last? I really can't take it anymore. I'm so lonely. I never believed I could feel this way. Should I get back with my ex boyfriend? My parents would cut me out of their will if I got back with him. I don't even love him. That's why I left him in the first place. I didn't love him. I spent six years with him (and fucked quite a few others unbeknownst to him) because he loved me. I tried to make myself love him, but I couldn't. Thank God I didn't marry him. I would be divorced by now. Would I?

I can't believe my brain won't shut off. These thoughts won't stop. I can't take it anymore. It's taking over my brain. I need to take a sleeping pill. I'll take it, get in the bed, jack off and start snoring. I hope I fall asleep fast. I just took the Trazadone. Please kick in. I let no dick Jamaican borrow my Lex porno. I don't have anything to watch. I can imagine it in my head. I'm not falling asleep yet. I need to falls asleep. I'll go lie down now. I wish I could fall asleep, wake up and it's already Saturday. I hate people. I don't feel like wearing my public mask. I want to hang it up. I just want to be me in public- Cranky, depressed, Realist, bitter, jealous, scared, nervous, sad, lonely, alone, horny, regretful, lazy, selfish, shall I continue? I need to stop. I need the Traz to kick in. Please make me drowsy, make me drowsy, make me drowsy. Please work.

Ok......I think it's working. My eyelids are getting heavy. What about that class I'm going to sign up for? Should I do it? I'm getting sleepy. Thank you Traz. You've never let me down. My brain will shut down in less than 30 minutes. I will be able to sleep and I'll wake up the next morning to be in the same shitty mood.