TALK TO HER

I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not jealous of my "friends" wedding (I use the word friend for lack of a better term, being that I stopped believing in friends a couple of days ago). I guess I'm the typical Bridesmaid..Jealous and bitter.

I'm not jealous because she's the one getting married. I'm jealous of the fact that she settled for less than she expected and she's happy and I can't bring myself to do the same. She's happy that she's marrying a man who has forced her to take on a second job because he can't work (He's not legal yet), get mixed up in his baby mama drama and accept the false belief that he's the one for her.

It also doesn't help that the grooms friend whom she tried to hook me up, who I had a crush on, is now married and will be bringing his wife there and I've gained about 10 pounds since he's last seen me AND I have three zits the shape of a triangle on my right cheek. It's making me ill. Here I am, sticking to my minimum expectations and I'm lonely. They aren't much:

1. Independent (meaning he takes care of himself, not seeking someone to take care of him).
2. Easy of the eyes (I'm attracted to dark, chocolate men w/bedroom eyes).
3. Confident (Not Nigerian cocky, but confident enough to be with a woman like me).
4. Educated (Enough at least to debate current events and community issues).
5. Appreciates me (self-explanatory).
6. Heterosexual (Not "tried it once and didn't like it" or a "down-low" negro).

Is this asking for too much? Why is he so hard for me to find? This is what makes me jealous. She doesn't have to put herself out there anymore. Black men are a dying breed. That's not just a metaphore. It's a fact. They are in jail, smoked out, gay, on the corner or simply dead. Brothers today treat women as if they're dispensible. And if you don't cater to them? Please. I have a few men (Caribbean, West African), but individually they amount to shit, but if you put their good characteristics together, I have one hell of a man. But juggling four dicks is really becoming monotanous.

Someone, anyone out there, please TALK TO ME. Tell me why I shouldn't be jealous of the fact that she is happy marrying a man who's not worth marrying ? TELL ME why she has thrown all expectations out of the window, just to say that she has someone? TELL ME why am I so fucking jealous of her? PLEASE TELL ME if you've felt this way before, so I know I haven't gone up on the psycho-bitch scale.

It's much to late to back out and if I do or say anything rude it will be viewed as jealousy. So I have to face it, grin and pretend as if I'm happy that she's getting married, even though I'm secretly hoping that he will leave her once he gets his papers so I can be there to console her and say to myself, "HA! You see what happens when you get desperate?" I'm going to hell.